your wishes they will sink like stones - kennedy

[CARSON CAIN WALKER]

It was a rational decision. Carson convinced himself that it was a rational decision. At least the term “caught red handed” could not be applied to him. It hadn’t been violent or bloody. Carson had acted swiftly and made things look as clean as possible. He had drunkenly walked into his home, told his father that he would like to stay a while. His father made no effort to stop Carson from staying. That evening Carson waited until his father was passed out drunk. Carson knew it would happen. It always happened about the same time every day.

He had put on a medical mask that he had taken from some doctor’s office on the way there before moving to the garage of the house and cranking both cars. Carson left the door connecting the garage to the house open as he moved into the house. He proceeded to work on the appliances that he knew produced carbon monoxide. It was easy. Carson simply made it look like his father had essentially committed suicide. He waited a while with the mask on and for extra measures his shirt over and in a little over an hour or two he was sure that it was over. Carson had slipped out of his house unnoticed and headed back toward the school.

Of course, that was all the previous night. Carson now sat on the edge of his bed, gripping the sheets until his fists turned a faint purple color. He kept his darkened eyes trained on the door, waiting to hear the two knocks that would tell him Kennedy was at the door. There were only two people who Carson intended to tell about what he did. Ashton already knew and for whatever fucking reason he trusted stupid Kennedy enough to tell her. Trust was an odd thing for Carson and he still had a hard time believing that he could trust anyone.

The proof was there, though that he did trust them. Carson’s mind raced, trying to figure out how to say what he had to say. He had killed a man, well, technically he had. He would argue that it was a man who had been dead for years... he just didn’t know it yet. That excuse probably wouldn’t stand up in court, but Carson was absolutely sure of it. There was absolutely no way that anyone else would know about this... or his part in it anyway. Carson sighed as he stood, pocketing his hands and pacing the length of the room. For being close Kennedy was sure taking a long time.

Maybe it wasn’t a long time... Carson didn’t know. All he knew was that it really seemed like she was taking forever. Carson stopped, taking off his thick-framed glasses and wiping them off with his solid red button-up. Red did fit his action. He hadn’t lied about that much. He slipped his glasses back on before he shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans. Two knocks. All he needed was two knocks. Since arriving back at the school Carson was more than a little paranoid.

He felt like everyone looked directly at him and more than that... he felt like everyone who looked at him knew exactly what he had done. Carson didn’t know if he would be damned for eternity now, but that was something he had thought about. He wasn’t even sure he believed in an afterlife or anything like that, but if there was... well, was he screwed? That was all technical stuff that maybe he could figure out later, but still. Carson still didn’t know quite what to worry about or even if he was going to be emotionally stable.

[KENNEDY ISOBEL TENLEY]

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[CARSON CAIN WALKER]

There are times when a person tests their limits so much and so often that they begin to question whether or not they will be able to continue without the fiber of their being falling apart. That was a lot like how Carson felt. He felt like he had ruined any chance he ever had of being a civil human being. It wasn't like Carson much embraced that opportunity before he had done what he thought he needed to do but just knowing it was gone for good made Carson feel a little sick. He felt like his chest was a thousand times more tight than it should be. It was a hard think to deal with but Carson was trying. He had to learn how to deal with it alone. There were a couple of people... only a couple who Carson trusted to know this and one that he trusted but couldn't tell.

Carson knew that what he had done was justified. After spending his whole life in abuse with that man... Carson felt like he was destined. His original plan had been much more flawed. He had planned to commit suicide and commission Peter to take over the action. Ashton had so rightly pointed out that Carson couldn't, in good faith, ask Peter to do that.

It would more than likely bother Peter forever. Carson had figured that he might be a little stronger when it came down to the thing that absolutely had to be done. Carson felt like he was having a little trouble, which was why he wanted Kennedy to come listen to him. She had promised that he could talk to her and he was going to hold her to that.

Finally there were two knocks on the door. Carson looked up, his eyes narrowing as he focused on the door. This was it. This would be when he let his secret out in person for once. After a moment Carson stood, drawing in a deep, sharp breath. He felt like that breath stretched his chest as far as it would go. More than likely that was anxiety. Carson was just lucky that his roommate was out for a while.

He didn't want to have to explain away his strange, distant behavior. Carson didn't even know where he would begin with that. He stood in front of the closed door and closed his eyes. The longer he took to open it, the more he felt like Kennedy would judge him. He wondered if she would know the moment she looked at him what he did... like the other people did.

Carson finally pulled the door open. The action was quick. He didn't want to leave it open. He reached out, grabbing her wrist and pulling her in quickly as he shut the door behind her. Don't look me in the eyes. Carson said quickly, his own eyes downcast. Sit on my bed, Kennedy. Fuck, I mean, I would like for you to sit on my bed. Carson was trying to keep his nerves in check, but he was failing miserably. He felt tense and he knew that was coming through in his voice.

[KENNEDY ISOBEL TENLEY]

[/i]? His brown eyes were casted to the floor and she didn’t even know what to say. Was there anything she could say? He spoke up again, telling her to sit on his bed. She could hear the nervousness in his voice and he sounded about as nervous, or even more, as she felt. Her blue eyes looked around the room for a brief moment, “Alright.” She agreed and moved to his bed, taking a seat as he had asked her.

He was silent for a few beats and she bit down on her bottom lip, looking up at him slightly, “Carson, what’s going on?” She questioned him. Just his demeanor alone let her know that there was something really wrong and it sincerely concerned her. She was getting a little impatient but she wasn’t going to let it show, she just wanted to know what was bothering him so badly. It just wasn’t like Carson to be like this.
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[CARSON CAIN WALKER]

Carson felt tense. He felt tense and he felt like he was being watched. Paranoia was something he hadn’t expected out of this deal, but he had gotten it anyway. His cold, dark eyes followed Kennedy as she moved toward his bed and sat on it. For a second Carson wondered that if he could kill his own father, then what would he do to Kennedy? Despite the way Carson had acted previously, he didn’t want to hurt Kennedy now. She had sort of grown on him in a way he hadn’t suspected.

There had to be a way to say to her what he did without being blunt about it. Usually Carson was always blunt and to the point with everything. He didn’t like to mess around and he didn’t like to have people think that he meant something else. Carson studied Kennedy’s face for a moment. He had to be sure that she wouldn’t judge him. He needed to be absolutely positive. Kennedy had never expressed the want to judge people, but he just… he had to be sure. Carson couldn’t afford to make the wrong move here.

What if Carson told her and she was greatly offended and told the cops? The whole thing would be over. Carson moved even further away from her than he was, leaning against the door of his dorm. Kennedy, you know, it’s hard for me to trust anyone. I don’t fucking… I don’t know why I trust you with this, but I do. I need you to promise that you will never tell a soul. I need you to promise that this will be our secret for the rest of our lives and even through death. Carson spoke with an even, low voice. He didn’t want her to take any of it lightly.

This was in no way a light subject. His licked his lips, pressing his palms flat against the door as if someone had him pinned to the door. Carson felt hot. He felt sweat, hot, and nervous. Carson could feel his fingertips shaking against the wood of the door. He needed a smoke, but he knew that he had to hold off for a moment. It was seriously ridiculous how short a time it took for Carson to really realize he needed a cigarette. His addiction was terrible, but it was there and he had to cope.

Carson walked toward her slowly. He was almost afraid to approach her. Carson wondered if he had the touch of death. He thought about if he touched her. Carson didn’t want Kennedy to be gone. No, Carson felt like Kennedy was his… and Ashton’s… but mostly his. He didn’t want to be the end of her. Carson stopped when he was directly in front of her. He glanced over his shoulders a couple of times, surveying the room. Carson took a moment to reach with his left hand and run it through her hair. He really did like her hair, which was no secret. He shook his head slowly and tried to think clearly. Carson kept his hand in her hair as he leaned forward. No, Carson wasn’t going to kiss her like it may have seemed. He leaned forward so that he could whisper in her ear. Kennedy… Carson said in a light whisper. I… killed… my father.

[KENNEDY ISOBEL TENLEY]

[/b][/color] She stated softly. She didn’t talk to anyone besides him… and Ashton, at least on a regular basis. Hell, she didn’t even talk to her own roommate as much as she talked to them sometimes. She took a deep breath and looked down at the ground, “Of course I won’t tell anyone…” She continued to worry her bottom lip. Her heart pounding deep in her chest with anxiety; she wouldn’t doubt if her blood pressure was abnormally high right about now.

After this talk she was going to need a cigarette to calm down her nerves, to bring her back to a more subdued level. That was most definitely what she was going to have to do, and maybe a couple of shots. She gave herself a slight nod in confirmation. That was exactly what she was going to do.

It was so weird to hear him say that he trusted her; it was on the same level that she felt when he told her that he cared about her. She could feel her stomach tying in knots, it was an uncomfortable feeling and she wanted it to go away. Kennedy did not like not knowing exactly what she was feeling. Lately she had been experiencing things that she never thought she would ever experience. Shaking the thought away, she didn’t want to think about that right now… those thoughts just confused her. And the last thing she needed right now was to be confused.

She followed him with her eyes as he moved back over to her slowly, he stopped once he was in front of her and her head tilted up and back just a little so that she could see him. See his face. Kennedy was well aware that he didn’t want eye contact, but right now she was far too concerned about him to care what he wanted. The dark haired girl watched as he glanced over his shoulders, as if there was someone watching them. Her brow arched slightly, what was with the sudden paranoia?

When his left hand reached out, she couldn’t fight watching it as it moved in to her hair. If this wasn’t such a serious moment she would have probably made some audible sound of pleasure. There was nothing that she liked more than having her hair played with and Carson always seemed to know exactly how to do it to make her forget her own name. As soon as he leaned in her body froze just slightly. She had no idea what the hell was going on, but she was a little relieved when he leaned in to her ear, instead of her lips.

He whispered her name and she felt shivers run down her spine. God, his voice just did things to her that she couldn’t even put in to words. But the though soon fleeted when he finished what he was going to say to her. Her mouth fell open in slight shock. Did he really just say what she thought he did? Did he really just tell her that he killed his father?

“Carson,” She whispered his name almost breathlessly. She couldn’t even form a fathomable thought. What do you say to that? What do you say to someone when they tell you that they killed their father. She realized that it explained a lot, it explained why he was acting this way. Licking her lips, she took a few deep breaths and her right hand moved to place on top of his left that was still buried in her hair. She gave it a tight squeeze.

As much as she was in shock, she could see the reasoning in this. With his father dead, Carson no longer had to endear painful visits back home and neither would Peter. It was a weird feeling, but part of her was proud of him. She didn’t like the idea of him being hurt, or Peter for that matter. They were both great people, whether or not Carson believed it or not. Kennedy lifted her left hand to his face, cupping his cheek and shaking her head slightly, “Its okay,” She spoke softly. “It’s better this way.”
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[CARSON CAIN WALKER]

Carson didn't like being so vulnerable. The more vulnerable he felt the more he realized that it was stupid that he was even bothering to tell her this. Of course, this was something Carson needed to get off his chest. If he left things the way they were with only him and Ashton knowing what he did, then he would probably end up being a recluse. Carson felt like he was already going to become some lunatic. Besides... he killed once... what would stop him from doing it again? Carson had a lot of questions in his head that he didn't know how to deal with. What was he supposed to do now that he was free to think and do what he wanted?

It wasn't like Carson wanted to freak Kennedy out. For some reason he trusted her and for some reason having her there made him feel a little better about what he had done. The last thing Carson wanted was for her to find out then push him away. Maybe he could scare her into staying. Carson didn't know why he was starting to freak out, but he hoped it didn't last long. He knew that his mind was going in a thousand different directions that it really didn't need to be going in, but he had to. He had to think the way that he was. There was a chance that he could lose someone he wasn't ready to lose.

Kennedy was right. Carson didn't know who else she would tell. Now that Kennedy was trying to make other friends... he didn't know. He figured it wouldn't be hard for her to just randomly slip out that Carson had killed his father. Carson had to keep himself in check. He felt like he was tempted to do that very thing. The only think that stopped him was his paranoia. He supposed in that aspect the paranoia was a bit of a good thing. It was even more difficult to believe that paranoia could actually be a good thing when it came down to the skin and bones of the situation. Carson just didn't want to think that he was going to do something even more stupid.

Carson knew that his actions may be taken the wrong way. He wasn't much of a romantic person, but he didn't see these as romantic moves. Carson saw his actions as softening the blow. He knew that Kennedy liked for her hair to be touched. Carson has seen the effect it has on her. He wanted her to be as comfortable as possible while he relayed the information. When Kennedy said his name he wasn't sure how she was saying it. Carson didn't know if that was good or bad. He figured she would have already pushed him away if she were absolutely appalled by it. That was at least a good thing.

Carson squeezed her hand back as she squeezed his. This was a good thing... this was good. He leaned his face into her hand as she cupped his cheek. I wish I felt like that. Carson said quietly. I feel like I've done some horrible thing. He drew in a deep breath. It's like... when people look at me, Kennedy, they KNOW.

[KENNEDY ISOBEL TENLEY]

[/i] in the woman’s eyes. She couldn’t stand the idea.

Kennedy looked at Carson, she could tell that he wasn’t feeling himself. It was very apparent to her. She rubbed his cheek with her thumb and shook her head, “There is no way anyone will ever find out, Carson.” She knew that if he had killed his father, he had been careful. Very careful. Carson wasn’t stupid. Kennedy rarely ever made promises to anyone, but she knew this was one promise that she had to make for him – for herself. “I promise you, it’s not going to happen.”

She didn’t know how she was going to keep that promise, but she was going to try her hardest. She knew she wasn’t going to tell anyone and Carson didn’t trust many people and the people that he did trust; she figured they wouldn’t tell a soul. For whatever reason, she cared about him too much to see anything bad happen to him and she would do just about anything to keep it from happening to him.

“Listen to me, no one knows anything and no one is going to find out…” Kennedy licked her lips and shook her head slightly. “I’m not telling anyone, this conversation won’t leave this room.” She told him honestly. Biting down on her bottom lip, she tried to sort her thoughts they were a little crazy right now, her mind whirling a hundred miles a minute. “You didn’t do anything horrible at all…” In one aspect it was true, in another it wasn’t. But for both of their sakes she was trying to look at it with the glass half full. “You and Peter needed this… you needed to be able to break free…” Kennedy continued to brush her thumb back and forth on his cheek in a soothing manner.

This was different for her; she had never really had to comfort anyone before. She had never been close enough to anyone to listen to their troubles and give advice, or just listen. But here she was, in a situation she never thought she’d ever be in and she was trying her damnedest to make it work. She didn’t know exactly what to do or say, but she was trying and that was all she could really do.

“This was what was best for you and Peter, Carson… you have to realize that.”
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[CARSON CAIN WALKER]

What Carson did was, in many ways, morally wrong. A lot of people thought that taking a human life was one of the worst things a man could do. Carson figured that maybe they were right in a way. He felt like he had done some horrible crime against humanity... but at the same time... few people knew what actually went on in the Walker household. Only a hand-full of people actually knew that Cain Walker actually abused his children. Carson wanted to think that he was justified in what he had done. He wanted to believe that it was okay because he had been beaten his whole life by that man. Surely there was some exception for that kind of thing. There had to be.

Kenney's actions were soothing to Carson. The way her thumb moved against his skin just made him feel a little better. It was funny how just little things like that made a huge difference in the way he felt. Carson had to tell himself that Kennedy wasn't lying about no one finding out. He knew he was just paranoid at the moment, but he felt like this was something everyone would want to know. What if this was something that couldn't stay a secret? Carson had to believe Kennedy. If he started thinking the way he was, then he would end up becoming a recluse for sure. Carson didn't want that. He had too much going on to want to stay in and end up dying in his high school dorm room.

A lot of times Carson didn't trust promises. He had never really seen anyone keep a promise and it seemed weird that he wanted to trust Kennedy's. Maybe that was because she didn't seem like the kind of person that would make a promise if she didn't plan on keeping it. That probably had a lot to do with it. For some reason when Kennedy said something Carson had a tendency to believe it without questioning. Usually he questioned just about everything that anyone said... but Kennedy was different. Maybe it was because she was more of a friend now rather than some... past lay that he didn't give two shits about.

Yeah, you're right. Carson said, still trying to focus on the feeling soothing feeling of her thumb rubbing gently against his cheek. We needed this. He repeated. He knew that Peter needed it for sure. It was a shame how much was holding his brother back from doing what he was good at... what he had always dreamed of doing. Carson wanted one day to be able to go and watch his brother play some huge show with people screaming his name and fighting to get close to the stage. It was best... we needed it...

[KENNEDY ISOBEL TENLEY]

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