Its all in your head kid

[ASHTON COLE JOHNSON-WALKER]

...

pretty face plate goes here.... not so pretty but when i find something i wann ause ill put it.. pretty much.. this is ashtons journal

[ASHTON COLE JOHNSON-WALKER]

<sup>Well... i dont have much to do right now so... i'll just write I guess. I dont fucking know anything. I dont know what im doing. I really shouldnt be here... i shouldnt be ... fuck i dont know. I just know this isnt good. I know that peter is just going to take this and run with it, but i cant back away right now. I feel like.. if i back away something bad is going to happen and it will be my fault. Generally i could care less, but sometimes... i dont know. Theres something about peter. Something i just cant figure out. Hes ... so different.. so pure.. and genuine and it just feels like.. things happen to him. Most people .. they look for stuff.. they make things happen to them. Not peter though. things happen to him and he doesnt go around whining about it. Instead he just takes it and then he sits there and trusts fucking people like me. Seriously... of all people he had to trust me. granted i dont sit there and tell peoples secrets, but... I am not to be trusted. I like to push people twist them to break them half the time or... i dont know just... people annoy me. I play with them because they bother me. I dont want to be stuck here bored out of my mind so why not fuck with people. Its not like its any skin off my teeth. Really...

Whatever I dont know. I had to go see my psychiatrist last week. I dont tell him shit, but its somethign I have to do. Its part of the rules. I wish i didnt have to see him I skipped out on him for a month now. They gave me a call and told me I needed to go see him or there I would know what would happen. Christ.. now they're threatening me. I dont see the point of me seeing him i tell him lies. For some reason though he seems to think im fucking moody. Trying to tell me i probably have depression and bi-polar disease. I told him he could fuck off. I dont need his mumbo jumbo. I told him he should fucking talk about his own problems.. thats why people even try to be psychologists after all. I told him if he told me his problems i would tell him mine. He almost bought it too. He started to tell me about the problems he was having with his wife but then he stopped. ... apparently i had too satisfied of a look on my face. I think hes just making shit up. If I had any look on it would have been of complete boredom. His problems are just like any one elses. Everyone thinks their so special. OH wah wah i have issues meeeh.. listen to me whine. well you know what... Fuck off. Deal with them. Grow the fuck up and deal with your problems.

whatever anyway the point is... he gave me some fucking pills. PILLS like.. seriously does he think im going to feed into this shit and take them. He said it woudl calm me down. well whatever... i dont know why but i had actually tried them. I dont know why, but.. i did. I guess im a hypocrit... but i figured even if Im not really what he says, maybe they'll help in other areas. Fuck i dont know.. all i know is i didnt like them. they made me feel unbalanced and confused as hell and i swear to god I was getting sick off of them. I nearly passed out at fucking practice yesterday. WHatever... hm.. i think im going to stop taking them. I really dont see a difference. I feel like ... i don't know i hate head people.... feel like they can diagnose me...

heh... just try it... aint nothing wrong with me.

Peter talks to me... tells me things. He has some kind of... thing in his head about us. I shouldnt have led him on. I thought i could play with him, but apparently now he seems to think im this amazing person... made a song out of me. Or .. something. It was... interesting... but.. IM not a fucking song. Im not... goddammit. Im not anything... im not saying i am some emo that wants to die or something I just.. im not anything and i shouldnt be anything to anyone and i dont know how to get peter to realize that.

His brother now... im not sure what hes got up his sleeve. He asked me to go out with him... we are not friends... we are not sex buddies, we are not party buddies, we are in any way anything other then the fact that he apparently finds me intriguing... probably because he thinks i have something going with his brother... or something. Im not exactly sure what he meant by intriguing the only thing we do is fight about something. Once and awhile we'll talk, but its nothing too much and hes hard to get anything out of. He always tells me its none of my business. Its frustrating really. Usually people give in and tell me... either its because they've been dying to tell someone and finally someone is talking to them or they feel like they've finally made way and befriended me.. who the fuck knows. It could be a number of reasons. People tend to be easy to open up to me which... is rather weird and disconcerting., but i wont complain considering its what i want them to do. Carson on the other hand... fuck he doesnt tell me shit. Sometimes he does but i never know what hes telling me is the truth or not. I think he does that on purpose... smart guy.

The other thing is... im not really sure he remembers but and im a bit vague on the details but i ran into him at a club once and .. fuck i thought it had been peter. Im kind of glad it wasnt... at least i know peters still the way peter is. Though now that i know... the meeting definitely wasnt disappointing nor was it good. Oh it was good the way he was... I havent explored much past kissing or making out and usually people are really nice about stuff. The times i made out with peter... once and awhile he would dig his fingers into my skin hard.. and it would... god it felt good. Then carson came along and it was like.. it just seemed so natural to be so rough about stuff. It was hot and I sometimes find myself wondering exactly what would have happened ow it would have gone had he not left with some .. blond bimbo.

I am not entirely sure what happened that night, why he had stopped. I kind of wished he had kept going because now... i cant seem to get my curiosity about him gone from my head but i feel like if i did something with him peter would hate me.. Then again maybe thats good. Maybe thats what i need to get peter to see that he cant cling on to me like that. But... god hes got a history conscerning his brother and i would just be ripping that wound right open... then again we're not dating it shouldnt matter and that could be a lesson... but fuck i just know that peter wont think of it that way... but... i dont want him to hate me. god it would be so much easier.. i could go back to being just me again instead of... thinking about him and.. wondering if hes okay or... about what i want to do to him... itd be great if they could merge into one person... then again.. they wouldnt be seperately unique anymore... fuck... i dont know why am i even entertaining these ideas. I should just fucking ignore both of them.

But fuck... whatever, carson doesnt even want me. Sexually of course.. i dont want to do anything more with either of them or anyone for that matter... just.. sex. I wouldnt mind having sex with peter again... i really cant though. I just know the fact i took his virginity away was a huge ass fucking mistake... i wont ever tell him he had been my first too.. god only knows the fairy tales he might weave with that. As for carson... he said he didnt have any motives... but ... i know he has tot. he told me to stay away from his brother.. he still tries to scare me off or .. warn me about shit.. he probably wants to use me for some reason... but maybe thats not so bad.. what if i did just go with him... peter has to realize that I am not this wonderful amazing song and metaphor he has attached to me. Im not...

it would be a good wake up call for him... and me. yeah.. that..

...
hm..
whatever ill think it over...</sup>

[ASHTON COLE JOHNSON-WALKER]

<sup>............................
hm
im not ... even sure.. whats going on.
I am probably... the shittiest boyfriend ever. I mean sure im not an abuser, but... i mean.. i cant do anything right. WHen i feel like i might be on the right track i realize... ive completely missed other stuff and then i try to backtrack but half the time its way too late...

i didnt realize how .. fucking hard this was going to be. I mean.. part of me sometimes just.. wants to giveup.. that maybe it would just be better to step back and get out of their lives before i cause serious damage... i mean.. its not that i dont care.. theyd get over it... plenty of people would want them they could meet someone two seperate people that would see exactly how.. special they are... see what i like to think that i see in them... sometimes i feel like maybe... they dont know exactly what i see in them or not necessarily what i see in them but.. what is actually present in them.

I know peter definitely doesnt and i know carson.. doesnt.

so much has happened.. so much.... we havent been together long even... i mean its still quite early.. itd be the best time to get out, but then wouldnt that be the easy way?

I sometimes forget what life was like before them. but when i do remember.. i realize i dont want to go back to it. It wouldnt be the same anyway.. itd be far more worse because... before them.. i had never knownw what it was like to have them there... if i left them now... i would have known. my life has already been affected by them. ... before i could say i was strong enough. but now.. i dont know.

its just.. its been a few months and already so much has happened. and im not just talking the natural course of relationships. usually relationships have this honey moon stage... im not even sure we've had that.. .. i think we're working backwards like .. maybe... they're testing us.. giving all the hardest shit right away... hell and i thought just agreeing to be in a relationship with .. not just one, but two people... twins at that, was going to be the hard fucking part..............

but its not.... its ... so.. so not. oh it definitely ... adds to it.. but.. god...

i dont know. when peter was ... not peter. part of me was driven... to get him fixed.. to get him back while the other part of me just kept saying that i had lost him. he wasnt coming back. this was out of our hands... this .. was not going to be fixed. i didnt like that thought.. didnt like that feeling.. that hole that was creeping up threatening to get bigger if it ended up true, we did get him back though.. ive been watching him.. i just.. i dont want him to slip through my fingers again.. and i just know it would be that easy... easy to lose him. easy for that hole to come back with vengence ... dark and angry and bottomless...

i thought things would be better... but it hasnt.. i feel like its different.

peters been different.. ... even ive been different i think.. and... i barely see carson.. i mean i did .. but i cant really count those three days as anything when it was centererd around a psychotic spirit.... now.. i mean.. i know i did it. not wanting to leave peter, but its like.. i dont know.. i feel bad when i want to see carson.. and then i feel bad when i want to see peter.

I know this is all my fault. Im selfish.. im an... inconsiderate asshole. always have been right.. well now it seems its more apparent. i want them both. i dont want to give up either of them. ... i .. i mean.. i ... i need them.. as stupid and pathetic as that may sound.. ive found they ... both kind of.. i dont know... its like.. i mean.. when im with peter...
everything... is .... i mean.. its chaotic.. i feel like theres a minefield around and.. something i could say or do would trigger something and it would explode.. ive spend more time with him in awhile then i have carson.. i almost feel like peters my boyfriend and carsons my mistress. but in any case. i just.. i feel like.. i just keep saying and doing the wrong things and all these mines are going off.. but... while all this is going on.. its like peters the center.. and i just want to hold on to him and he .. he puts a calm in me... and i suppose... just like all those stupid books i could say.. he makes me nervous and makes my stomach twist and my skin burn. but at the same time he makes me want thinks i dont normally want.. makes me do things i dont normally do.. he makes everything in me .. turn back around and makes life .. in a certain sense make sense.. as long as hes next to me. Hell i can smell his shampoo and get lost... as fucking ridiculous as that is.

sometimes i feel like i am doing this all wrong. a ll i want to do is make peter happy and i feel like maybe i should just give up carson.. as long as i can make someone wholly happy. but how can i make someone howlly happy when i can barely make him partly happy...

but then .. i think about carson. I want to make him happy too. I know he doesnt need me as much as peter does.. and maybe .. he doesnt need me.. at all. hes recently found he has a daughter and shes brought him so much... its.. good. he needed it.. but.. i feel.. useless now. i feel like. .. i dont know.. he just seems content enough to have it just be him and rylee. what if thats what he feels. .. maybe thats what he needs to be happy.. maybe i just.. an an extra burden to him now. or maybe.. maybe im the only one thats really needy but putting it off on them. ... di dont.. i dont know..

but...when im with carson.. i dont know.. sometimes theres things we can do and talk about or.. not do and not say. but at the same time... we dont do and don say things me and peter do and say. i know more of what peter feels and thinks then i do of carson. i wish i knew more of that from him. he seems so.. cool and collected and sure about that kind of stuff. i could ask him if he wants me and all he simply says is yes. i asked him if he thought he made a mistake he said no. i asked if he would ever regret his decision he said no. sometimes i feel like a five year old with him.. as he so pointed out to me.. yes i can agree here because... its true. he doesnt really take my shit. he tells me when im being ridiculous. he has no qualms about knocking me in line. and those may seem like nt reasons enough to keep this going, but ... what he also does.. is a lot like what peter does. its what made me realize i needed both of them. he makes my stomach twist, makes my skin burn. With the sound of his voice whether its a grunt .. or a word.. he could say dumb fuck .. and im lost. im pathetic i know. He makes me nervous and yet makes me calm at the same time. i cant honestly say which one gives me more feelings.. which one... does it more for me.. which one... has any thing over the other.. because ... there is no comparing them.


along with all of that. They both have this.. thing about them. i dont know.. i mean.. one look at them.. one thought about them and i want them. I want them.. really bad like i cant get enough of them. that probably makes me sound like a sex driven person .. but.. really.. before them.. i had always been... fine without sex.. i was a virgin for christ sakes.. and then i met them and its like.. they turn me into a a slut .. or something.. i just.. want them.. all the time.. even when we're fighting... okay theres some times when we're fighting.. mostly with peter that.. i realize how sexual thoughts are very inapporopirate... because.. im pretty sure.. peter would not like to know that at the same time hes telling me about his fears and dreams and how ive probably made him mad that.. i want to simultaniously take the pain, hold him, or.. something.. soothe him.. as well as.. slowly take his clothes off... or just full on strip him in one single swoop.. maybe i have a problem.. im not.. really that much of an asshole. i can control myself. but.. thats something isnt it? To want someone in every way possible? i want both of them in every way possible... and i dont want to just be .. the guy that pretneds to be the careing boyfriend.. i want to let them know that i am.. i mean.. im not the best at showing it.. but they're the only people int he world i want to be aything to. and i will i dont do things half way....

i probably sound like some fucking sop or pyscho.... ... i dont know. ive never experienced this before.. never... had to think about it before.. but here i am.. im now putting this down.. im letting it actually... come to terms with the rest of me..

peter ... he told me something.. he.. wrote it in a song.. and later.. when he was... not himself.. we had to destory the symbol... and i.. said i loved him. he doesnt remember it. i never thought id use those words and im not sure if i said them just to get him back or if i really meant them. i never thought of love the way peter did. i had my idea of what love was... because of everything you hear and are told. i never thought love was in my stars... im sure in others.. but not mine. maybe im just being stubborn about it all..

i think about that.. maybe i really do love him. imean.. its supposed to be powerful and thats whats supposed to work and because it worked and peter is peter again.. then it must have meant something. i dotn like to put my feelings into words. i dont like to just subject them to three words.. i just know how they make me feel. but its been a few months. i didnt think that i should be thinking about that right now.. then again.. i went into this with a permanent thought or else i never would have wasted the time..

then again.......... i almost have this know.. that.. the future.. may not be as certain. i have never had ad destined future.. i never had a plan.. i honestly didnt think id be anything but existing... if that. sometimes i thought maybe... after a few years.. after i graduated... maybe id allow myself to hit 21 im not sure.. make things more legal.. who knows.. but.. i had this thought that maybe.. id just.. leave ... life. i had nothing in life so its not as if anyone would be affected by it. no one would even recognize the name in the paper. maybe a few people would comment on how sad it was for someone his age, but thats about it.

things were different now. i have a goal now. i plan to get peter his dream. i plan to get carson his dream. i plan to help in any way shape or form.. not matter what it means. no matter what... they both ... they both should have that. im not sure yet what carsons dreams are.. or plans, but i plan to find it out..

i wont think about certain things that petr told me.. id rather not get into that.

hm... i feel like peters distant from me. im not exactly sure whats .. happened, what ive done, but... i just.. i feel different. i asked him.. but maybe it was all in my head. i just cant shake the feeling though. then again.... i guess.. i mean. whatever.. im probably just being paranoid.

i just.. .. i just think.. so much. i cant stop. i think of everything.. every scenario.. every possible reason.. at least.. that i can come up with. there could be so much that i have done to cause this. Sometimes i do and say things im not really aware that ive done or said until its too late. Im just.. not good with shit.. i can never seem to come off the way i really mean.. or.. feel or.. whatever.

sometimes i just hate myself so much. sometimes i dont have time to think about it, but when i do.. i just get so frustrated... i just want to ... destroy something. i want to pick a fight with someone and just land it into them.. or.. let them land it into me. i feel so wound... inside. and i dont know how fix that. im so fucked up.. im not fit to be with anyone...

I ... sometimes just want to talk to someone.. but.. i can never seem to bring myself to do it. Ive thought about... kennedy.. i mean.. i dont.. fully trust her.. i mean i know i probably can, but.. just.. i dont know. Ive debated on texting her... but i can never bring myself to do it. i just hate putitn gmy shit out there. i hate.. i dont like.. making people aware.. i dont like letting them know that kind of stuff... its .. personal.. you know.. its my shit.. my business.. its.. mine not theres i hve to deal with it.. nothing they can say or do will fix it..... its just... me that can do it. plus.. id feel like i was .. going behind their backs. though im sure carson wouldnt want t hear about the whiney obnoxious shit that goes on in my head. i doubt hed want t hear me complain about stuff... im such a fucking chick. hes got enought to deal with.

then theres peter. i know peter would .. want to know.. hes always asking me. but again.. i mean i feel like. okay .. i will. this time i will but then i dont.. .. peter doesnt understand... if i tell him.. thats just more for him to dwell on. peter has enough on his plate as well. he doesnt need to have to deal with his boyfriends shit. I just want to fix things for peter... want to make peter happy make him want to smile .. make him want to just.. smile for the hell of it all the time like he could never stop and how am i supposed to do that... if I'm putting stupid pointless shit on the table...

I cant
...
it just doesnt work that way. I've been fine.. I've been dealing with my own demons for nineteen years now. I can continue to do so.

things will calm down... i hope. i mean.. they have to right? it .. i .. it has to. i just.. i feel like .. if it keeps up this way... .... no
im not going to ..
im just
...

maybe... if i was like.. something else. maybe if i was different. if i were someone else but.. in this body. the way i am.. i know it annoys them.. it annoys everyone. who wants to deal with the shit i do .. the way i am.. the way i act.. or think or go off on people.. how i .. bitch about the littlest thing.. how i have to always argue about something, how ... i have to point out all the little details because.. god only knows... only I can come up with something fucked up to happen.. because of one simple thing. ...
who wants to deal with that shit. who wants to deal with my .. five year old tendencies.. or .. my chick... ishness or.. my ... inability to do anything fucking right. no one.. least of all them..
.. but if i was
...
maybe.. if i could change.. i could.. be someone theyd want that would make them.. happy... that they wouldnt have to worry about anything because... i really would be the one they could turn to and make everything better that they wouldnt have to worry about ... pissing off, or.. something fuck i dont know.. i just.. ill think about it.. i can change.. i can do this.. i need to talk to my doctor again
i know peter doesnt want me taking pills but maybe its the best thing
...
i dont even care.. maybe theres something new out.. something for .. moods or.. anxiety or.. personality changing because if they could just give me a pill that will give me a new personailyt that would be great...

god who the fuck am i kidding... thats so fucked up
im .. overthinking again..
god i need to fucking stop.. i need to stop i need to stop i need to .. this is fucking ridiculous....
i have to stop .. writing...</sup>

[ASHTON COLE JOHNSON-WALKER]

<sup>..................

he never talks to me.....</sup>