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Post by ASHTON COLE JOHNSON-WALKER on Jul 5, 2010 1:01:42 GMT -5
 FROM ASHTONcome watch rylee right now. its important. Dont ask any questions. sorry to interrupt your plans or whatever but you cna do them another night. ill explain later... or.. something.
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Post by ASHTON COLE JOHNSON-WALKER on Jul 6, 2010 22:42:03 GMT -5
 FROM ASHTON
........
i feel like a mother fuckin tool
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Post by ASHTON COLE JOHNSON-WALKER on Jul 7, 2010 8:27:46 GMT -5
FROM ASHTON
it doesnt matter...
it keeps happening...
i have a feeling this wont be the last time
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Post by ASHTON COLE JOHNSON-WALKER on Jul 7, 2010 9:06:22 GMT -5
FROM ASHTON
no.
...
its hard to help someone and protect another
when i know hes going to get mad
at me for not saying something.
i lied to him before and i still feel like shit over that
i always will i know its always going to be in my head
like
when he finds out.. if he finds out and hes going to know
and hes always going to be skeptical of me and then hes going
to think of these times and then hes definitely going to think
that i always lied to him that he could never trust me
that... im just a piece of shit thats fucking with him just like every
one else.
i may not be directly lying to him now but it feels like im
lying to him. technically im nto but keeping the truth is
a form right...
and god i wanted so much to just say something to ease his mind
so he wouldnt worry but instead im sure hes worrying more
because i just avoided answering, though id di say everythings
going to be okay. now what if thats a lie
i dont fucking nkow
nothings going to be alright
not like theres a cure for this
..........................................................
goddammit! GODDAMMIT! GODDAMMIT! GODDAMMIT!
I FUCKING HATE GOD AND EVERYTHING HES EVER DONE!
HES JUST A GODDAMN ASSHOLE.
hes probably the real hell sending people like.. our parents
to do his dirty work and making them turn people
on to lucifer when people are probably down there
having fucking party towns. ...
fuck
fuck fuck fuck
shit..
FROM ASHTON
shit...
sorry...
...
ignore that rant...
i was... just..
yeah..
whatever...
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Post by ASHTON COLE JOHNSON-WALKER on Jul 7, 2010 10:01:06 GMT -5
FROM ASHTON
you should know by now carson wont tell him right yet
hes protecting peter
peters doing his stuff
he wont worry peter.
i could tell him to talk to carson
thats fine
but... when he asks me where he is
im not going to say i dont know
cause i do
whatever it doesnt matter
i shouldnt have said anything to you
its not that big of a deal
i always make a big deal out of shit
its just.... carson you know... carsons...
whatever... nevermind its..
sorry ill stop now.
later.
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Post by ASHTON COLE JOHNSON-WALKER on Jul 7, 2010 10:18:35 GMT -5
FROM ASHTON
mm...
...
carsons stubborn.
im surprised he told me so soon.
ill talk to him...
i know he knows, but..
yeah
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Post by ASHTON COLE JOHNSON-WALKER on Jul 7, 2010 11:21:26 GMT -5
FROM ASHTON
heh... hm.m..
mmm..
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Post by CARSON CAIN WALKER on Jul 9, 2010 9:15:20 GMT -5
FROM CARSON
mm... ashton has those occasionally...
i can't wait to see what it is. heh..
with you two there's really no telling.
but anyway... yeah... for the question.
i wanted to ask you if... for any reason
if anything were to happen to me like
if i were to die before rylee turned 18,
well, i already kind of have this outlined
for ashton. he's going to be her guardian
but as for you... well i want you to be like
hmm... i want her to think of you like you're
her real mother. i know that she knows
you're not her real mother, but i want her
relationship with you to stay like it is.
you see what i mean? so what i want... is
for if anything happens to me... i want it
to be like you and ashton are divorced and
just have to share rylee every other week
or something. you think you would be up
for that? i tried talking to ashton about it
a little bit last night, but he just flipped out
like i was saying i was already dead. i'm just
being careful, you know? the doctors say
i have a very high chance of lung cancer
but that's what i get for telling them i've
smoked since i was 12. so now it's just
one thing on top of another kennedy.
you know, before rylee came i tried to
commit suicide, well, i never got to the
trying part. bradley glenn caught me and
talked me out of it. i feel like i avoided fate
or tricked it or something.... like now fate
is trying to get back at me. i don't know..
but i don't like this. i mean, when rylee
gets older i won't just be able to tell her
that i'm going on a trip anymore... she'll
find out the truth eventually. especially if
one day daddy has to start radiation and
chemo therapy. that's not stuff i'll be able
to hide from much of anyone. not that it's
happened yet and i'm crossing my fingers
that it doesn't. but anyway... will you?
will you do that? like... even when i'm gone
treat rylee like she's your own daughter?
just... i suppose all i'm really asking is that
you stay in her life.
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Post by CARSON CAIN WALKER on Jul 9, 2010 10:18:53 GMT -5
FROM CARSON thank you... thank you... i just... hm... i've
never really felt like anyone has deserved more
thanks... or felt like i should be thanking someone
more. mm... i'm sure. she's a little diva when it
comes to stuff like that. thanks for being there.
no.. don't send it with ashton. he's been ordered
not to come anywhere near my fucking room here
until after peter goes back to california. so help me
god he better not come here at all. just send it
with someone else. i don't know. get your little
boyfriend to do it or something. just anyone
but ashton. he needs to understand some things...
and i tried to explain but he wouldn't listen. so
he isn't allowed back in right now.
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Post by CARSON CAIN WALKER on Jul 9, 2010 10:49:32 GMT -5
FROM CARSON
you are one of the few people in the world
that i feel like i can trust with her or with
anything really. i don't really know how that
happened, but somehow it did and i don't
have time to question it. mmm... that sounds
good. i'd like to see you anyway. it feels like
it's been a while. just make sure mikey or
whatever his name is doesn't do anything stupid.
really my reasons go deeper than ashton being
with peter or even ashton's worry for my health.
it's a lot more complicated than that. maybe
it's a situation i've dreamed up on my own
but it feels important to me.
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Post by CARSON CAIN WALKER on Jul 9, 2010 14:32:09 GMT -5
FROM CARSON
i love her too. i love her a lot...
tell her i miss her and i'll see her
soon... god... i hate feeling like
i'm lying to her. every time i ask
for you to tell her those things
i feel like i'm asking you to lie...
about me being back soon not
about me loving her or missing her
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Post by MICHEAL ADAM COOPER on Jul 16, 2010 14:43:10 GMT -5
FROM MIKEY
Hellz yeah most
defiitely XD
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Post by CARSON CAIN WALKER on Jul 16, 2010 19:04:03 GMT -5
FROM CARSON
hey... i'm out of the hospital...
but... well, hm... i... just
keep rylee. keep her. i don't know..
i don't know what i was thinking.
i'm not cut out for this. i never
was. i just can't... i know you're
going to disagree with me but
don't. i'm tired of feeling... like
i owe everyone everything. i
owe rylee at least a better life
than i'm able to give her. she's
happy with you and i have no
doubt that you can give her
what she deserves.... i'm....
yeah... i know i suck.. just
do this for me... and you'll be
the last person i owe. i already
i mean... i owe my life to my
brother, love to ashton (which
so help me is the hardest thing),
i owe life to rylee, and you... i mean
i'm a shitty friend to begin with
but i trust you and you're the only
one i can trust with this specifically.
take this as me giving up. i'm not
as fucking... strong as everyone
thinks i am.... I'M WEAK TOO
GODDAMMIT I'M WEAK TOO!
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Post by ASHTON COLE JOHNSON-WALKER on Jul 16, 2010 23:50:20 GMT -5
FROM ASHTON
hey. i need you to take care of the dogs too
i mean if you can
ill drop the key off
theres carsons too and then mine and petes
and..
i mean i dont know how long we'll be gone
but im sure it wont be super long
but just enough for a break you know
anyway..
um.. i dotn know ill bring you back something
form california.. or
i dont know
or you could do it out of the kindness of your heart
heh
anyway yeah... okay bye..
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Post by CARSON CAIN WALKER on Jul 19, 2010 11:21:32 GMT -5
FROM CARSON
okay okay.... so i thought i could do it
but i can't. i'm gonna give you a break
for a bit and pick rylee up and take her
back to california with me for a week
or so. she'll at least get a glimpse of the
life we'll probably have to have. so yeah
anyway, i'll be there soon to pick her up
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